My story of how surrendering to the process of birth taught me to surrender on my yoga mat and now applying those lessons to my life & business.
When I made the decision to home birth my daughter after a traumatic birth experience with my son I knew I had a lot of work to do. Dealing with my emotional shit was first, then I dove into the physical work of opening my pelvis, and finally getting my mindset in the right place to truly surrender to the process of birth. Little did I know how much this lesson would impact my yoga practice and life.
Surrender is HARD for me. I do not like to let go. I’m a keep going and keep pushing towards what you want no matter what, but honestly this constant pushing is more of a forcing and it ends up exhausting you and ultimately not getting you to where you want to go. I did all that during the birth of my son and it ended the complete opposite of what I wanted. This time around I knew that mindset would not serve me and that I HAD to let go and surrender to the process no matter where it took me, even if that was to the hospital.
For me to have a successful homebirth I knew I had to surrender to the process, no matter how long it would take. During my pregnancy I had to let go of my Ashtanga Yoga asana practice because honestly I was very attached to the physical outcome of the practice, but during pregnancy and labor I knew this would not serve me. I also had to learn to let go of Mulabandha because my pelvis was over worked tightening in just one direction.
Surrender takes practice. It was an active practice for me every day during my pregnancy with my daughter. I surrendered to my growing and changing body. I surrendered to the discomfort of pregnancy (I am not one who loves being pregnant). I surrendered my ability to be fully independent and ask for help with simple things like putting on my shoes (insert eye roll here). I even surrendered to growing out of even my maternity clothes at the very end. And ultimately I surrendered to intense contractions, allow my pelvis to open, and did the work of breathing my baby down. Pregnancy, labor, and birth were NOT easy, but the process was oh so worth it when our baby girl came into the world in our dimly lit room surrounded by people who loved and cared for her.
Now 6 months later, I am finally getting back to my Ashtanga Yoga practice I am learning how to surrender all over again. I am learning to surrender and have faith I will gain my strength back. I am learning to surrender and allow my body to open. I am learning to surrender into the poses balancing strength with ease. I am learning to surrender to any type of time line or goal in the practice. I am learning what it truly means to practice yoga on the mat so that I may take those same lessons off the mat.
Here’s the amazing thing, with all of this surrender I am truly learning my body. I have learned that the pain I feel in my wrist is because my forearms and hands are very tight. Now most days that pain is gone since taking time to stretch my hands and forearms before practice. I have learned that the reason my external hip rotation is limited is because my back is tight from years of doing forward folds incorrectly. I have learned that I need more mobility in my hip flexors to get into the three poses at the peak of primary serise. I have learned that I don’t breath into my upper back where there is so much tightness. This surrender stuff has giving me the blessing of truly learning my body.
On a deeper level learning all of this surrender stuff is teaching me to detach from the outcome of the poses that I used to cling to so intensely. This practice of surrender is taking me so much deeper into my yoga practice. It is now my intention to start integrating these lessons into my parenting and life off my yoga mat because it’s where I really need it most.
So mama, if there is something that you are clinging to so tightly, open your hand, loosen your grip, and surrender to the process, because if is supposed to be yours it will be and if not there is something so much better for you. Have faith.
With love, peace, & healing,
Mal
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